I felt that after having served as part of my leadership team at the first school (my first job out of college) that it wasn't the place for me. I found inconsistencies in their teachers as well as the leadership's intentions. The mission statement said one thing and I found that the leaders of our school were doing something else. I felt conflicted about it and knew that I wanted to get away from the untruths and there was no room for professional growth. That's what I was telling myself. There technically was room for growth, but I worked so hard and started to get anxiety, so the job was not good for my health. I knew that I would only teach in early childhood education for one more year; I was at the first school two years. I planned to stay for three years then look elsewhere, but I pulled a Sarai/Sarah, if you will, and found the second job without consulting the Lord.
The interview was amazing, I wrote about it here. The coordinator, new director, and regional manager were saying things I wanted to hear. It seemed like this is what God wanted me to do when, in fact, my heart was only 70% in. My brain was saying 100% in, but I couldn't quite feel it. It was a brand new center with all new employees, and we were all swimming in the deep end trying to get things together. I felt confident, yet at the same time, I felt that some of the other teachers were better than I was. I pushed those thoughts aside and continued to remind myself that I was a strong teacher with an awesome education and serious background. I'm not just bragging here, but I was sooo good at being an infant teacher. I was awesome! So, when a position of leadership was given to someone with less experience and who was less qualified than me, I was mad. It came down to administrative work. I didn't have that much admin experience and that's why someone else was given the position.
At that point I felt really defeated. I was tired of fighting a system that wasn't going to prosper me. That's right, I wanted to succeed and not only succeed, but I wanted it now. I've always been really impatient with serious doubts about God's provision. He has provided and will continue to provide for Ryan and I, but I forget. We've been studying Genesis in "big church" and most of the stories have a recurring theme of: impatience, ignorance, and selfish desire. All of the things I've said about the last few months and the job situation can be described with those three words. I would also like to point out that those three characteristics appear in the first book of the Bible. I mean come on. Am I that silly that I've gone all the way back to the beginning!? I am much like Sarah and Abraham, Lot's wife, and Rebekah. Trying to make things happen in my own time my own way. I've been in serious prayer about these things and can feel God changing my heart, but it hurts and it's hard.
I still don't know the direction God has for me. I can feel him telling me that I'm looking in the wrong places, but I don't know the right places to look.
"He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake" Psalm 23:3
"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long" Psalm 25:5
"He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way" Psalm 25:9
"Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the wilderness. By day the pillar of cloud did not fail to guide them on their path, nor the pillar of fire by night to shine on the way they were to take" Nehemiah 9:19